Feb, 2006. For the past five months I have been living in a car at the edge of woods — jobless and homeless and totally unable to find a way out. I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't scream loudly enough, but I can read and write. So here I am laying down tracks...hopefully the start of an online paper trail out of here. (Update: Miracles happen....if you are reading my story I am part of your proof.)

Saturday, March 08, 2008


I've finally crashed through a barrier: I finished the endings of several books I've had on the go for what seems like months.

One of them was the 'The Snow Geese' by William Fiennes, which is a book I had with me in one of my bags in the car all that time. Needless to say I wasn't in a state of mind to read much then, but I haven't been able to finish it since either, no matter how many times I opened it. I don't know why, I loved it from the start, for all sorts of reasons...one of them being the close-up-ness of the writing, he doesn't pan out much, he has the lens right up there, close to whatever he is describing. So if he writes about a woman in a long red coat wearing a black velvet cloche hat you see her standing there - very visual, you can 'see' everything he writes about as he travels halfway across the world following migrating geese to their nesting places, and his own internal compass leading him back home. It wouldn't be for everyone, it's a very slow, quiet, but evocative, beautiful, beautiful book. Maybe it was because I had it in the car with me that finishing that one felt so momentous; it felt like I was finishing more than just the book, like I was finally drawing a line under things. Difficult to explain....

But the book I finished a couple of days ago: 'Eat Pray Love' is the one I keep thinking about. (It wasn't my favourite, her voice grated a lot and I found myself skipping pages trying to get to all the spiritual insights). But I woke up thinking about it this morning. Just one thing she said at the end of the book about all the changes she has gone through by the book's end, how much she has grown as a person. And she said something which has stayed with me for days....About her growing as a person. She used the analogy of an acorn becoming an oak tree. She said the way she has come to see it is there isn't just one force at work (the acorn pushing to become an oak tree) but two (also the oak tree being there already somewhere willing the acorn on to become the oaktree it already is - on some plane). She says, what if it's not just her younger, weaker self pushing on to become the stronger one she ended up as, but what if the woman she was always going to grow into was there already (somewhere) drawing her on to become her — The older you already there somewhere waiting for the younger you to push towards it. I may have got that idea a bit muddled - I've read a few other books in between — but it was something like that. It was a powerful idea that I hadn't heard expressed like that before; and for some reason it stayed with me. So I thought I'd put it here. Because I woke up thinking of it again this morning: of the person you will finally become being there already drawing you on to become it.

 It's a strange idea to get your head around. But like words, what we imagine can be very powerful - and it's fun closing your eyes and imagining who that person you end up being might be — who you'd want them to be! And once you have an image of them in your mind to then push yourself to become that person that you end up being ('knowing' that they are there somewhere already drawing you to become them anyway) - walking towards them thought by thought, action by action, until you are the person you were always meant to be.

Sorry...way too heavy for a blog. Rain is blowing across the windows here again.


At 7:03 am, Blogger Santhana said...

Dear WanderingScribe,
I just read your story in Reader's Digest Asia and I fell in love with your story. You've gone through a lot and you deserve to be where you are now. I wish you the best of luck with your new career.

Your Fan From Malaysia,South-East Asia.

At 11:43 am, Blogger samantha said...

hiya im 17 years old and i have just finnished reading your book i think you are an amazing woman and your book has truly touched my heart, i think you have coped really well and i really enjoyed reading your book and i wish you all the best for the futcher luv sammie xxxxxxxxxx

At 5:06 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hi ;D i bought your book n almost done reading it .. My friend read it n she wanna kill your uncle ._.! i hope that u will have a great nice life after all the things u suffered ... ;D all the best to your future ! ;D

At 5:11 pm, Blogger inspired said...

Hi Anya,I have just finished reading your book. What can I say about it but WOW. You truly are an inspiration and you deserve all the happiness in the world. I wish you every success for the future,Anya. Good Luck. Gill XX

At 8:56 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I read your book once and it touched me so much that i had to read it again. I think you are a truely inspirational woman and you deserve all the happiness in the world. I hope you have moved on from your awful past and get everything you ever wanted from the future.

Lots of love Lily


At 12:16 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Anya,
I've just finished reading your book. I can't even begin to imagine the lonliness, pain and suffering you have endured throughout your lifetime. I hope things pick up for you and you reach happiness in your life. You truely are an inspiration, and I thankyou for writing your book and sharing with us your experiences. God bless you.
Karen, Melbourne Australia.

At 1:41 pm, Blogger FARfetched said...

I've been reading your blog for a long time & I'm glad to see you've turned comments back on.

That's some interesting imagery you created here. I can almost see your older self watching you approach, then she turns as you walk to meet her… and you merge, one becoming the other (or both?) and continuing down the path without missing a step.

At 6:54 pm, Anonymous Anneloes said...

Dear Anya, I've just finished reading your story in Readers Digest The Netherlands. I want to say that I have much respect for you! When I'm in the bookstore I look forward voor your book. I'll wish you all the best for the future.

The Netherlands

At 6:59 am, Blogger bubbly flutterby said...

hey wandering scribe. i have read your story on the february edition of reader's digest..it was so inspiring to know that you never gave up on life despite your past experiences..i wish you all the best..

At 1:10 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...


i read the reader's digest article about you. your story is so touching. i hope everything is fine now. i wish you luck. i will include you in my prayers. :)

a salute to you,

At 2:31 pm, Blogger emziz said...

Ellos Anya
I started reading you book yesterday afternoon and ive just finished it this second, and jumped on my pc to leave my thoughts.
You are such a strong and inspiring person.I wish you much love and luck in your new life.
You touched my heart and soul, and ill never forget you.
You are not alone , if you ever want to talk, cry laugh or moan with someone plz contact me.

At 12:32 pm, Blogger TerryLJY said...

hey there. i read your story from reader's digest and i can't imagine the despair and sufferings you went through to stay alive. No matter where you are, may luck be with you and god bless in your career.

Terry, Singapore

At 1:15 pm, Anonymous J said...

Hi, I'm 12 years old, from Singapore n I've read about you from the reader's digest and I'm truly touched by your story. I admire your spirit to carry on living your life despite the challenges faced. Good luck for your future ! =)


At 1:39 pm, Blogger Ratnah said...

hi wandering scribe
as with the others, i read about your story in reader's digest asia and can't wait to get your book. hope everything's fine and hope you'd continue inspiring many others like you have inspired me.

At 3:45 pm, Blogger Carole said...

I started your book on suday16th at 3 o'clock and finished it at 9.30pm the same evening. I just could not put it down, my emotions were all over the place. After reading your book I found myself wanting to give you a huge hug and pick up the phone and call you, even if just to say "come have a coffee with me ".
I have been through a lot in my lifetime BUT your book made me realise that I am so grateful for all I have :o)
Just like many many other readers I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you find serenity and love with all you do.
Much love Carole xx

At 2:01 am, Blogger verabear said...

Hi! What a thought provoking post. Yeah, I guess that older you who is already out there, in a sense is the image of the you that you've wanted to become. Everything you do in life has one purpose - to achieve that end. wait, i think i had it the other way around? my description still seems to be the younger you pushing to be the older. Oh well, but I totally get the point.

Thanks for sharing :)

At 7:43 am, Anonymous whenfriendsbecomestrangers said...

Hey there,
I'm 15 years old and
i just wanted to say that i love your book.
Its good to know someone has gone through things, like i have.
I hope that everything is Alright now.
The best to you. =]

At 11:06 pm, Blogger noir-amour said...

Hey Anya

I'm eighteen - just finished reading your book, I borrowed it off my housemate and I couldn't put it down.

It's such an inspirational story and I wish you all the best for your future. I'm sure it will shine.

At 8:07 am, Blogger Moonlightress said...

Hi Anya
What you mentioned in this post about your "Higher Self" - the You that you want to, or will become, already existing inside you is, I think much like the notion of the "Self" in (Carl) Jungian psychology. I believe it exists. I'm currently in therapy for a severe depressive episode and working on finding that "Goddess" (as I like to think of her) within me, who already knows what I need to do, and who I lost touch with for so long.

(I encountered your blog/story and book for the first time, just 20 minutes ago and this post struck such a chord with me. I've blogged for a while too and I love how it can connect us person-to-person, in an instant of shared thoughts. I had a recent comment on my own blog from someone who had connected with something I said too.
I wish you the best of luck and much happiness!

At 10:07 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Anya

Im 17 and just finished reading your book. You are such an inspiration and i hope you get everything you wanted from you new life. Best wishes

Charlotte xx Suffolk England

At 5:29 am, Blogger em.j said...

hi Anya,

i have finished reading your book last night and it was truely inspirational. i am 15 and your book left me feeling truely grateful for the life i have now.

i hope your life in on track and you are going well.

all the best and good luck.

emily, Melbourne Australia

At 7:16 pm, Blogger Colorful said...

Hi!! Im a 14 years old girl and I just read the article about you in the Readider Digest México.
I think your story is awesome.
Im happy that you stop living on that car.

Love and hugs,


At 8:47 pm, Anonymous Serenity said...

Hiya Anna, I read your book in a day as it was one you dont quit til you have finished, an emotional journal. I shall continue reading your blog and wishing you much love on your journey through life. You are an inspiration to many including myself and im 49. Peace be wth you.


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