Feb, 2006. For the past five months I have been living in a car at the edge of woods — jobless and homeless and totally unable to find a way out. I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't scream loudly enough, but I can read and write. So here I am laying down tracks...hopefully the start of an online paper trail out of here. (Update: Miracles happen....if you are reading my story I am part of your proof.)

Friday, November 30, 2007

Friday already

December probably isn't the time for it, but I'm looking for another job at the moment. This job was only ever meant to be a stepping stone - a way back into things — temporary cover that I knew would come to an end, but I feel quite anxious now that it is - anxious about what the next step will be. Not sure which way to turn again. Not sure I'm tough-headed or tough-hearted enough to go back to a career in law full-time, even if that were possible. But not sure what else I can do. It's hard knowing what you're cut out for.

Sometimes I give in to dreams — dream that one day I'll go on to write other books. Books that I'll be proud of this time. I'm not exactly ashamed of 'Abandoned', I know from the emails I get that my story has resonated with a lot of people, that it has helped some. But because the details of my background are in it, the sometimes graphic details of things that happened (that I would never tell a single soul face to face, even the most intimate friend would never get more than a clue. Things that I would never have them know about me outside of this book - things that I almost spat out of me like a bad taste in the mouth as I wrote, and which it was probably necessary to do to move on. But that was only because it was anonymous, I didnt have to censor myself, worry about how much others could cope with, it was just straight out, that little girl screaming her unscreamed scream. It is not a book I can look people in the eye and admit to being proud of having written. Not yet anyway.... But in writing this book, in the actual process, I have discovered how much I love writing. I'd love to go on to do more of it one day. I realise that is just a dream, but there have to be dreams... If I could do something useful that way though, somehow connect with others through something I write one day then I think I would finally be happy in my own skin. Some people would say that is another form of retreat from the world, but I don't think so...maybe I have just found something I love.

In the meantime though, it's hard graft and scouring job ad's and wondering whether to put on another hat.



At 1:58 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

and so you are right you have found something to love, something you can do confidently, dont stop blogging anya, and get back intouch with your mummy you'll be great!! MERRY CHRISTMAS and AN EXTREMELY HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU,may it bring you a place in paradise,
cheers xxxxxx

At 3:08 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You seem so on top of things!
Well done, i really admire you for it. I'm 16 and just finished reading your book! It really touched me, i don't know how you did it. Your so inspirational.

At 3:50 pm, Blogger chavalvut said...

I am glad to read your article. I first found it in Reader Digest. I am in Bangkok and know you really like to visit this capital. Hope you are quite better off now.I was in agriculture in Thailand,and I retired and have nothing much to do,at which I have spent time on e-mail.My agenow is 62
I used to study in England. One week end, we rent a car and drove to the beach[Briton or Portsmount, could not remember] One thing I remember was spending night in a rental car. Just went to discotheque until it was closed then went back to the car to sleep. I woke up about 5am and drive to find the toilet and shower room.Then I went to look for my friend's home.
I'd like to read your book.How can I do if I am in Bangkok, please recommend.

At 9:35 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have just finished reading your book from start to finish + now my brother has just started to read it. I don't know how you have got through your life from the day you were born to now. You are truly an inspirational person. When I think of the priviledged life i've had... I can't even begin to understand how strong you seem + how you survived after all you have been through. You are a remarkable woman + a figure of hope to everyone who has ever suffered abuse. Your story is proof that people can survive anything. Much love + good luck for the future xxx

At 9:15 pm, Anonymous stoner said...

wow!! just finished reading ur book and i have a lump in my throat as i write this and remember what u have been thru.
ur book make me appreciate the things i have in life and made me realsie how lucky i am. ur story was overwhelming and i think u are such a brave person who could have easily gone down the wrong route in life but didnt. enjoy the rest off ur life, u deserve the best and i hope you get it.
bristol uk.


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