December probably isn't the time for it, but I'm looking for another job at the moment. This job was only ever meant to be a stepping stone - a way back into things — temporary cover that I knew would come to an end, but I feel quite anxious now that it is - anxious about what the next step will be. Not sure which way to turn again. Not sure I'm tough-headed or tough-hearted enough to go back to a career in law full-time, even if that were possible. But not sure what else I can do. It's hard knowing what you're cut out for.
Sometimes I give in to dreams — dream that one day I'll go on to write other books. Books that I'll be proud of this time. I'm not exactly ashamed of 'Abandoned', I know from the emails I get that my story has resonated with a lot of people, that it has helped some. But because the details of my background are in it, the sometimes graphic details of things that happened (that I would never tell a single soul face to face, even the most intimate friend would never get more than a clue. Things that I would never have them know about me outside of this book - things that I almost spat out of me like a bad taste in the mouth as I wrote, and which it was probably necessary to do to move on. But that was only because it was anonymous, I didnt have to censor myself, worry about how much others could cope with, it was just straight out, that little girl screaming her unscreamed scream. It is not a book I can look people in the eye and admit to being proud of having written. Not yet anyway.... But in writing this book, in the actual process, I have discovered how much I love writing. I'd love to go on to do more of it one day. I realise that is just a dream, but there have to be dreams... If I could do something useful that way though, somehow connect with others through something I write one day then I think I would finally be happy in my own skin. Some people would say that is another form of retreat from the world, but I don't think so...maybe I have just found something I love.
In the meantime though, it's hard graft and scouring job ad's and wondering whether to put on another hat.