Friday already

December probably isn't the time for it, but I'm looking around for another job at the moment. This job was only ever meant to be a stepping stone - a way back into things — temporary cover that I knew would come to an end, but I feel quite anxious now that it is - anxious about what the next step will be. Not sure which way to turn again. Not sure I'm tough-headed or tough-hearted enough to go back to a career in law full-time, even if that was possible, but not sure what else I can do. It's hard knowing what you're cut out for.

Sometimes I give in to dreams — dream that one day I'll go on to write other books. Books that I'll be proud of. Not autobiographical writing, not always anyway. I'm not exactly ashamed of 'Abandoned', I know from the emails I get that it has helped a lot of people. But because the details of my background are in it, the sometimes graphic details of things that went on that I wouldn't ever tell people face to face, or have them know about me outside of this book - things that I spat out of me like a bad taste in the mouth, and needed to to move on — it is not a book I can look people in the eye and admit to being proud of having written. Not yet anyway... But in writing this book, in the actual process, I have discovered how much I love writing, and how much I'd love to go on to do more of it one day. I realise that is just a dream, but there have to be dreams... If I could do something useful that way though, somehow connect with others through something I write one day then I think I would finally be happy in my own skin. Some people would say that is another form of retreat from the world, but I don't think so...maybe I have just found something I love.

In the meantime though, it's hard graft and scouring job ad's.

.